Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
