i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I am naked and annoyed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
