I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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