You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
