Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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