Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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