I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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