i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
