Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
