i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
