I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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