did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
