I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
