I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
