dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
