and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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