i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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