my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
