my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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