Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
