I should be sponsored by Trojan
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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