Redeem this text for a blowjob
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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