Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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