Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
