he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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