my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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