3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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