Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
