im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
