i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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