he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
