Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
