Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
