You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She bit a glass in half.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
