Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
