She's JV to your varsity
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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