Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize