My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize