she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
