At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
