Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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