dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
