We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
