I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Randomize