I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
