I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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