i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
