he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
