oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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