I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
