why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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