So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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