I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
