I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
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