hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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