happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
that's an acceptable place to lick
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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