overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
