i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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