Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Floor bacon is actually really good
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