I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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