im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
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