Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
